GEMINI You can't soar with eagles if
you're flying with turkeys. Flying too
high can confuse you. Reach for the
stars but be careful, touch an eagle
without bringlng it down. Avoid riding
elevators on Tuesdays unless you yearn
to found hanglng on the elevator wall by
a sharp knife.

LEO Times may feel tense when you feel
someone invading your space. Don't lock
up feelings of anger, find a creative
outlet. Write a rap song and use these
lyrics, "Stupid mutha fucka stealin' my
face, move yo' ass or I'll break yo'
face. Move it mutha fucka, move!"

VIRGO Be assertive and ask a potential
lover to have dinner with you. Your
evenings will become full and so will
your mouth--filled with goodies that you
found down south. Virgo, you deserve
it. Demand presents. Your lucky number
is 12.

CANCER Find a mate who looks like
yourself and fuck them silly. The
natural twins inside yourself must unite,
not fight. Let yourself come to peace
the good twin and the evil one, just
make sure it's the angel who gets it
through the back door from the devil!

LIBRA There's no sense in despair,
Libra, there's meaning somewhere, you
just have to search. This is your
special month to a)live life, b)join
your enemy, and c)make a modest
proposaL You've been around town,
homeboy, and if you don't recognize that
you're in a position to cash out, you'll
turn into a homefry.

SCORPIO The time has come for Amer-
icans of all races and creeds and
political beliefs to understand and
respect one another. Your role as a
Scorpio is to spread this word and along
with a seuual disease and wear green
kneehigh Doc Martins. The stars are in
your favor. Abuse your influence.

SAGITTARIUS Financial obligations will
lessen after a stress fest. Don't
overlook that rich sugar loafer near
you, who could help you foot the bills.
Say thank you, smile, and let your eyes
twinkle as ypu anxiously slime the green
from the sucker's wallet.

TAURUS The warm weather is almost
over but there's still time to shed
those clothes for some skinny dipping
action. However, be cautious of that
one pal whose eyes are a little too
fixed and hands just a lttle too eager
for some underwater exploring.

CAPRICORN Water the tree if you want the
fruit to grow. But don't pick the fruit
too soon. Patience and perseverance are
the two ingredients you need to be
properly baked. Follow directions
carefully before you find yourself
singlng, "oops there goes another rubber
tree plant." The last thing you need is
to have to pay for rubbas.

AQUARIUS Be receptive to social invites.
Work it right and the spotlight will be
shining on you. However, if you're only
half-assed in your efforis, you may
find that the only attention you get is
the funny looks and wise cracks from
people seeing you run around bombed with
that lampahade hanglng on your ugly
head. WATCH IT!!

PISCES Your wildest fantasy may come
true. All you have to do is let people
know that you will not take "No" for an
answer. If they flop you shit,
eliminate them. Mter all, Arnold
Schwarzeneger didn't get to where

ARIES You lose. That's all you need
to know.